When Behaviour Is Communication: Why Punishment Fails Neurodivergent Children

If you are a parent who has ever been told your child is naughty, defiant, disruptive, or not trying hard enough (hello 90s schooling) -this post is for you.

For many families, behaviour is the first thing schools notice. But it is often the last thing they understand.

As a parent, teacher, and educational advocate, I want to say this clearly:

Behaviour is communication. And when we respond with punishment instead of curiosity, we miss what children are trying to tell us.

What Adults Often See vs What Children Are Experiencing

In classrooms, behaviour is frequently interpreted at face value.

A child who:

• leaves their seat

• calls out

• refuses work

• melts down

• shuts down

• runs from the room

…is often labelled as choosing that behaviour.

But for many neurodivergent children, behaviour is not a choice - it is a stress response.

Children with ADHD, autism, learning differences, anxiety, trauma histories, or sensory sensitivities are often operating at the edge of their capacity long before behaviour shows up.

By the time a child is “misbehaving,” something has already gone wrong.

Behaviour Is the Body Saying “This Is Too Much”

Neurodivergent children may struggle with:

• sensory overload (noise, light, crowds)

• executive functioning (starting, switching, organising)

• emotional regulation

• language under stress

• feeling safe when demands increase

  
  

When these systems overload, the brain moves into survival mode.

This can look like:

• fight (anger, shouting, refusal)

• flight (running away, avoidance)

• freeze (shutdown, silence, disengagement)

Punishment does not teach skills the nervous system does not yet have.

Why Punishment Doesn’t Work (and Often Makes Things Worse)

Punitive responses assume:

• the child has control

• the child understands expectations in that moment

• the child has access to regulation skills under stress

For many neurodivergent children,none of these are true.

Consequences like:

• loss of breaks

• exclusion from class

• public reprimands

• suspensions

• repeated negative feedback

…don’t build capacity. They increase shame, anxiety, and dysregulation.

Children don’t learn how to cope by being punished for struggling.

“But They Don’t Do This at Home”

Many parents hear this -and it’s painful.

Children often hold themselves together all day at school, masking their distress to meet expectations. Home is where the mask comes off because it’s the safest place.

A child falling apart after school is not proof that nothing happened during the day.

It’s proof that everything did.

What Support Actually Looks Like

When behaviour is treated as communication, responses shift.

Support might include:

• predictable routines and transitions

• sensory adjustments

• movement breaks

• visual supports

• reduced cognitive load

• safe spaces for regulation

• language that validates feelings without excusing harm

  
  

These are not “rewards for bad behaviour.” They are supports that prevent distress.

For Parents: You Are Not Imagining This

If your gut tells you your child is overwhelmed-believe it.

You know your child better than any behaviour chart ever will.

Advocating for support is not making excuses.It is asking adults to respond to need, not just behaviour

A Final Word

Children are not giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time.

When we listen to behaviour instead of punishing it, we create space for safety, learning, and growth-not just compliance.

And that benefits every child in the room.

A Final, Final Word for Teachers

Please don’t hear this as saying that children should never have consequences for their actions.

Safety matters.

Boundaries matter.

Accountability matters.

When a student is:

• bullying others

• deliberately harming peers or staff

• engaging in unsafe behaviour

• continuing unsafe actions after clear expectations and support have been provided

…there must be appropriate, proportionate responses to keep everyone safe.

This is not about removing consequences. It is about matching responses to the cause of behaviour.

There is a critical difference between:

• behaviour driven by distress, overload, or unmet needsand

• behaviour that causes harm and continues after support, teaching, and regulation have been put in place.

  
  

Consequences should teach, protect, and restore -not punish children for skills they have not yet developed.

When we understand why behaviour is happening, we can respond in ways that:

• keep classrooms safe

• preserve dignity

• and actually change outcomes

  
  

That is not lowering expectations.

That is good teaching.